#ME WHEN I JUST LET MY BRAIN THINK FOR A LITTLE BIT

[my-castles-crumbling]

bag - Jegulus Microfic - @into-the-jeggyverse - word count: 254 - trans!Regulus (CW mentions of perceived transphobia but it's not actually the case)

James seemed to do it without thinking.

Every time he sidled up to Regulus in the halls or met him outside of his classroom, he always just acted, without even asking permission.

He just said hello, and took Regulus's bag right off his shoulder, slinging it over his own.

The first time, Regulus found it cute. The second time, a little confusing.

But the third time, he was a bit annoyed.

Did James think he wasn't strong enough? That he wasn't capable of carrying his own things? Perhaps, somewhere deep down, James still saw him as a girl?

"Why do you always do that?" he snapped one day, jerking his bag back when James attempted to lift it from his shoulder.

"I- what?" the other boy stuttered, looking confused.

"You always take my bag. Do you think I'm weak? Maybe that my fragile little girl-body can't carry a few books?" Regulus hissed, allowing his insecurities to turn to anger toward James.

James, however, just gaped. "Reg, I...I have no doubt that you're strong. You're one of the strongest people I know. I just...you don't always have to be."

The words sank into Regulus's brain, settling there in a way that made him want to tear up.

"I know you can carry the weight, baby," James murmured, smiling softly. "Just...let me help you. You don't deserve to do it alone, yeah?"

And, fully aware they were no longer talking about books, Regulus nodded with a quivering lower lip, and handed his bag wordlessly to James.

[spiderb00]

Meet the girls - Megan Skiendiel

Megan Skiendiel X Reader 

Synopsis - Meeting your girlfriend's parents can be scary, but the five girls she lives with, oh man... 

Genre – Fluff 

a/n - thank you for request this, 6’3 Anon! I wanted to write something about Megan, but my brain wouldn't give me anything. <3  (request)

You were nervous, the whole way here was extremely slow and as much as Megan tried to reassure you over the phone, you weren't entirely convinced of her words. So when you pulled up in front of the Kats' house, you hadn't been able to get out of the car.  

Megan was an important person in your life, the person you wanted to share everything with, the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. That's why you were so nervous to meet the Kats. It was as if you were entering into your judgment, the debate on whether or not you would be worthy of dating Megan.   

Your thoughts were interrupted when a smiling Megan tapped the window, finally getting you out of the car.  

"How long did you come?" Megan asked, standing for a moment on tiptoe to reach her cheek, giving a quick kiss there.    

"I think about five minutes ago. I was just..."  

"Yes, of course, I know you were up your big baby." Megan said, looking at you with playful looks. "You know it's kind of comical? You usually intimidate people a little bit, but here you are, shaking like a kitten." 

"Hey! I wasn't shaking, I just wanted to look presentable. And it's not my fault that people find tall people intimidating." You said, looking at your girlfriend, that she was looking at you with a defiant smile. 

"Alright then, Miss Nervous, let's get in before they start saying I made you up." Megan said as she intertwined your hands with hers, dragging you inside.   

The house was big, beautiful, and intimidating, but come on, you could handle it. Megan's idea was a relaxed dinner at home, where you could be more comfortable, since you weren't public yet. So when you all settled down at the dinner table, Megan introduced each girl and your nerves calmed down more by the minute.   

"So, Yn..." Sophia began. "Where did you and Megan meet?" The older girl asked casually.   

 "Oh, we have some friends in common. One day, my friend Malia asked me out with her and some friends, so that's when Kylie introduced me to Megan. And I kind of fell in love right away." You replied, looking at your girlfriend sitting next to you and intertwining your hands with hers on the table. 

"Aww, you guys are so cute!" Lara says looking at you two.   

All the girls agreed with Lara's line, immediately seeing how you treat Megan.   

"Are your tattoos real?" Yoonchae asked, making you laugh a little.   

"Yes, they are." you said, giving the younger girl a smile.   

"Wow, there are many, they are very cool."  

"Thank you, Yoonchae." you said, making the younger girl smile at you.   

"You kind of remind me of Sophia's girlfriend." Daniela says as she takes a sip of her drink.   

"What? They don't look alike." Sophia says laughing lightly.  

"No, she's right. It's just this whole aura of protective and intimidating, but when you open your mouth and we realize you're just a Golden Retriver, I don't know." Manon says, elaborating well on the comparison. "I'm sure you'd get along just fine with Sophia's girlfriend." Manon completes.   

"Girl..."   

The girls engage in a deep argument, being loud and electric as always. You and your girlfriend exchanging glances, laughing lightly at the whole situation.  

"So maybe I didn't need to be so afraid." You said, scratching the back of your neck.   

"I told you, I told you so, there's nothing to fear."  

"I just wanted them to think I'm good for you. That's why I was afraid." you said, looking into the redhead's eyes.   

"You're perfect for me." Megan said, taking your face in her hands and kissing you.   

"AWW!" A chorus of "aww's" interrupts your kiss with Megan, causing you to part with smiles on your faces.   

"Shut up." Megan says, throwing a napkin to hit any of the girls.     

That's it, kisses for everyone!!! <3

[queer-ragnelle]

Understand is is a very weird question to get out the blue so no offence taken if this gets left in the inbox, but I was wondering how (if at all) to integrate transgender knights into arthurian retellings/adaptations ect while trying to keep it vaguely true to the medievalisms of the whole thing? I know its easy and liberating to just go 'fuck it everything queer' and its a totally valid way to go about it, but (as a trans person) I like having a narrative examine queerphobia and other structual issues with the setting - gives the whole thing a bit of meat (in my personal tastes). That being said, it feels like its a nightmare to try and have a transmasc knight stay stealth in this place! Everyone feels like theyre getting stipped and tended to after breaking a rib in a joust or merlin shows up and is a dick about pronouns and outs you to get you married to a Roman king. Stuff like that - things that feel a little easier to dodge when its a civillian character, not an ruling class.

Is this a 'kill the cop in your brain' kinda deal? As a queer storyteller yourself do you have any tips or strategies or tools you use to crowbar this kinda stuff a little easier together? Or do you know any stories/retellings/academic texts ect that cover these kinda things (even if its in a 'for the love of god, don't do that' way). Love the work you do for this fandom a lot, regardless of your answer! Hope you have a good day.

Hello anon! This is a great question.

Now let me preface this by saying I’m not transgender and I’m not a medievalist. There are plenty of trans medievalists on tumblr, but I’m not one of ‘em. So my answer is coming from a queer but cis author and enthusiast perspective. I'm going to provide lots of links to read things as well so everyone can draw their own conclusions from the material.

I think a large part of this does come down to “kill the cop in your head.” But at the same time, I’ve been exactly where you are wondering, “How can I make this story feel authentic to its era without torturing the trans characters?” Because you’re right, there’s a lot of nudity and close proximity interaction between knights in the medieval stories and Merlin is totally the type to be a dick about pronouns. I've also searched and struggled to find a medieval-set story that manages to incorporate queerness in a period-appropriate way (so far as we can guess) while balancing the narrative as to not tip into something deeply unpleasant for the target audience to read. (See: the series by Lavinia Collins, which has great queer rep, yay! But tons of horrors previously unseen and still unnecessary, boo!) So where does that leave us?

Well first I’m going to give you an example of how not to handle transness in an Arthurian story....

The book Once & Future and its sequel Sword in the Stars by Amy Rose Capetta and Cory McCarthy went with the phenomenon you already described as, “fuck it, everything queer.” It doesn't take place in the past, but does use the medieval stories as more than reference, it's not as divergent as something like Port Eternity by C. J. Cherryh, the reincarnated characters do interact with the past directly at times, so I'm using it as an example.

Anyway most characters are either gay (umbrella term) or trans. Except the way trans characters are treated sucks majorly (in my opinion). I completely lost faith in book 1 after the introduction of Lamorak, a gender fluid knight who uses they/them pronouns. Merlin misgenders them and gets corrected by Kay, to which Merlin does this whole self flagellation routine about. Lamorak is also disabled, missing their left hand. (Why isn't it Bedwyr? Anyway not the point...) Lamorak gets no dialogue here whatsoever, all agency is completely stripped from them regarding their disability and their gender identity. Double whammy.

This is worsened when Percival gets introduced, as Merlin then makes a point of asking for pronoun clarification in the most obnoxious way possible. To which Percival takes no offense at the weird slight against his sibling and tells Merlin his pronouns.

But what about the sequel? Surely these two queer authors improved with time.....

Is this a joke? Is this the best way they could indicate the inclusive realm of Avalon? Why not just describe the women as they are, all shapes and sizes, and let the reader figure it out? The authorial intent would be so obvious by this point. Instead they say it… like that. Gag.

It only gets worse when Mordred is born. Then they're weird about a literal infant.

What in the bio essentialism? If the characters have been living in a future that’s broken out of the gender binary, the baby’s genitals should be irrelevant. Gwen’s literally saying Mordred is going to fulfill the evil prophecy because he was born with a penis. Even if this is intended to be a teaching moment, I hate how it’s handled. These quotes are in order of appearance in the books, so after the subtextual implications of all that came before, this last part really doesn’t sit right with me. Sorry I find these books completely abhorrent. They've won awards, they’re beloved by many. Maybe it's me. But no thanks.

Honestly, so long as you're not blatantly offensive with your handling of such things, I think you'll be fine. It's important to remember that even if one is part of a demographic they're depicting, it's always a good idea to hire sensitivity readers and take that feedback seriously. Not everyone will love your work, there will be advice you don't utilize, with time you'll be able to weed out the bad faith feedback, (the "all depiction is glorification" crowd) and ignore it. But it's so important to open oneself up to constructive criticism so you can learn and your work can develop into the best possible version of itself.

Now let's get to some ways you can go about researching a way to do this that fits in your story. It’s important to remember that throughout human history, many people lived stealth their whole lives and we don’t know about them for that reason, not because no transgender folks ever lived authentically and happily in medieval times. So it’s never impossible to incorporate a trans character into a story who experiences no direct violence, even if the world they live in isn’t presented as a queer utopia. The other thing is that public opinion regarding queerness, cross dressing, etc have varied a lot over the centuries and were vastly different depending on location. Not every “woman” found in armor would have been treated as poorly as Joan of Arc. So there’s lots of wiggle room for interpretation when you go about writing these narratives. The majority of my examples deal with the ruling class so they address the concerns you mentioned with added scrutiny a noble would face if they were to experiment with gender presentation compared to a commoner. I’ll be spoiling the plots of everything on the list to make clear why I’m suggesting them.

My initial advice would be to read medieval literature with queer themes followed by essays on the subject. The best examples I know of are:

Yde et Olive

Transmasc knight (good ending). 12th century French romance. Yde’s mother Clarisse died giving birth to her & later when Yde reaches maturity, her father makes advances, so she disguises herself as a man & flees. Yde becomes a successful knight & is married to the king’s only daughter, Olive. When it comes time to consummate the marriage, Yde must confess the truth of his identity to Olive, who vows to keep it secret. This is overheard by the king who then attempts to uncover Yde’s identity but is stopped by an angel who chastises the king for harassing such a good vassal. Then Yde is transformed into a man, the king dies, & Yde is able to have a child with Olive. They name him Croissant as if it couldn’t get any more French than it already was. Anyway the story alternates pronouns for Yde given the situation which is pretty neat & in the end he gets to live his best life! Yay!

Le Roman de Silence

Transmasc knight (bad ending). A 13th century French romance about a baby girl named Silence. Silence is raised as a boy because King Eban won’t allow women to inherit property. Like many medieval romances, the hero's adventure is often punctuated with personified emotions (Dame Fortune, Lady Love, etc) but Silence is tormented by Nature & Nurture as he comes into adulthood. He becomes a knight & eventually takes on an "impossible" quest, to capture Merlin, which supposedly can only be done by a woman. Content warning for the ending, it does not go well for Silence. Merlin reveals his backstory, & he’s forced to take a feminized version of his name, live as a woman, & marry the king to keep his lands.

Wigalois by Wirnt von Grafenberg

A 13th century German romance that follows Gawain’s son, Wigalois [Gingalain], but this ain’t about him. There’s a character Marine who fights as a knight. She’s consistently referred to with she/her pronouns, but she’s renowned for her knightly virtues & fights alongside the men in the war. She’s treated very well narratively & dies in battle after apprehending a high-value hostage. Everyone mourns her & there’s a big funeral held in her honor. So even if Marine never presented herself as a man the way Yde or Silence do, she provides an example of a female thriving in a male role. Food for thought.

Parzival by Wolfram von Eschenbach

Another German banger from the 13th century. This one’s about a cis male knight but Parzival has transmasc vibes. Trust me. Here’s my favorite article about it called The Clothes Make The Man - Parzival Dressed & Undressed by Michael D. Amey that really illustrates what I mean.

After that, you can check out these retellings:

The Story of Silence by Alex Myers

I bought this but haven't read it yet. It’s a retelling about the aforementioned Le Roman de Silence. This book uses neutral they/them pronouns to refer to Silence, which I can say from experience sometimes causes confusion with readers, so it's good to study how this author did it & determine if that method feels right for you. (If you ever decide to do something like that with a character.)

Spear by Nicola Griffith + Spear's Author's Note

I enjoyed this one, beautiful prose. It didn’t feel like the most comprehensive Grail Quest retelling, but Peretur can be interpreted as a butch lesbian or transmasc, it’s ambiguous. She only uses masculine pronouns when stealth, otherwise using she/her, but it has a happy ending! It’s firmly set in the era & felt authentic on that front while letting the queer characters relax. Peretur isn’t alone. (A/G/L enjoyers keep winning + sapphic lady of the lake ftw + the other hotties Peretur pulled.) Definitely worth checking out.

The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman

This book just came out in 2024. Including it here is already a spoiler given the topic but I’m going to spoil fully from this point on so ignore this if that’s a problem. This is the best example I can give for your reading/writing tastes based on the ask; Dinadan is a trans man. His transness isn’t revealed in the main character Collum’s pov, but in Dinadan’s backstory pov, opening in his childhood. He & his twin brother were sent to different schools but young Dinadan would leave the girl’s school to practice knightly skills with the fay, which retroactively explains why he has a fairy sword that Collum was admiring. In exchange for this training, the fay ask that Dinadan slay Merlin. Which he agrees to while never believing he actually can, but the wrath of the fay in the afterlife is worth his ability to live as a knight. I love how it was all handled firstly because Dinadan has a fighting style that works for his smaller frame & because every knight has a different fighting style (Dagonet’s is “If it sucks hit da bricks.”) Dinadan doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb yet his physicality is accounted for. Secondly Dinadan explains the lengths he goes to in order to stay stealth from obvious ones like binding his breasts to pretending to shave his face every couple days & wearing a packer. Later on, Dinadan’s secrets are revealed when he goes swimming in the ocean with Palomides (who evidentially already knew) & Collum joins them. Collum had no idea, which I think brings up an interesting point about all of this which also reminds me of Gawain not recognizing that Beaumains was Gareth—the power of expectation. Just as Gawain expected to find a kitchen boy & would have no reason to assume his brother (who hit puberty since they last saw each other) would be stealth in the kitchens so therefore didn’t recognize him, Collum expects to find men as knights of the Round Table, so when Sir Dinadan is introduced, & Collum had heard of him before, Dinadan’s stature & high voice don’t register to Collum as anything but traits that this guy Dinadan happens to have. Learning Dinadan’s secret in the presence of another knight who already knows & is chill about it also encourages Collum to be accepting too. So giving Dinadan at least one ally in his corner throughout the story went a long way. In the end Merlin, who can only be killed by a man (which is why Nimue had to settle for sealing him away) is stabbed by Dinadan. So it’s like a reverse Silence/Éowyn situation that Dinadan’s gender is affirmed in his ability to kill Merlin. This book also includes the part from Le Morte d’Arthur where Dinadan’s forced to wear a dress, which in this context is very transphobic, but that’s the point. It’s made better when Dinadan gets to go insano style on Merlin so he gets payback. Just a heads up about that.

Some fantasy/scifi that’s not Arthurian but may help, as Arthuriana is largely fantasy to begin with, this may help you determine where on the spectrum your taste/writing falls regarding the bending of reality/history to fit your narrative.

Orlando: A Biography by Virginia Woolf

1928 novel about a character named Orlando living during the reign of Elizabeth I. Orlando is born male, then at some point in his early adulthood, falls into a deep sleep from which he awakens the exact same person, now metamorphosed to be female. Orlando, for her part, adopts this new role immediately & keeps on moving. She lives for 300 years as such & has many adventures, including an instance where she then presents as a man to elude marriage. Transitioned so she could cross dress in the other direction. She would’ve done numbers on tumblr. Ultimately, Orlando does marry… a gnc sea captain! The success of their marriage is attributed to their similarities in gender non-conformity. Even though this book only remains in the late medieval era for the opening, I think it’s a poignant example of a transgender individual living their life in their time & still getting to enjoy themselves without excessive suffering that may provide lots of inspiration.

The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Le Guin

1970 Hugo & Nebula award winning novel. A fascinating examination of gender from the point of view of a cis man named Genly Ai having to reconcile his interpretation of the gender binary when confronted with a society who operates outside that. His travels with ambisexual Estravan challenges what Ai understands about the universe. His ignorance forms the backbone of the narrative as he grows close to a person from this other society. Even if it’s not a medieval setting, it may help you develop a narrative voice regarding this subject you’re able to bring to your work. Also it’s just really good.

The Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner

2007 Locus award winner, Nebula & Gaylactic Spectrum nominee. High fantasy medieval setting. Katherine is a country girl brought to the big city Riverside by her uncle the Duke where she’s offered the opportunity to train as swordsman (ie cross dress) instead of political marriage. She’s unsure of the reasoning behind her uncle’s motivations for doing this, but goes along with it & kicks ass. A preview is available on Google books (linked).

The Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb

This is my favorite series ever. It spans 16 books published between 1995-2017. The fandom on tumblr & ao3 is hugely active. (Avoid tags to dodge major spoilers or check it out for amazing art & many quotes!) The series has many gnc characters in a fantasy medieval setting. First & foremost, The Fool, who’s in all the books & whose gender ambiguity is mentioned book 1, to which he says, “None of your business.” The character ever. Without getting too specific, there are several trans characters including gender fluid characters who will alternate between masc/fem presentation & pronouns. This is my favorite example of gender fluid characters in any fantasy I’ve read, especially since there are several & each feels unique. In The Liveship Traders trilogy, Amber coaches another woman how to hide her period while pretending to be a ship’s boy by using a sock, so if anyone finds the blood on it, she can say she cut her foot. Little things like that really deepened the realism in an otherwise fantastical story for me, because addressing those details answers questions my overly analytical mind would ask & wonder about if unacknowledged.

Lastly I'd like to suggest the article Armour of an Alienating Identity by Jeffrey Jerome Cohen. While it doesn't mention Parzival (the text), it does mention Perceval (the character), as well as Gareth Beaumains, Lancelot, Gawain, Yvain, and even Arthur himself. It goes on to reference endless examples to support its thesis including Greek heroes such as Achilles and Odysseus with references to many different medieval stories from Old English Beowulf to the Irish Ulster cycle to the works of Geoffrey Chaucer. Most (if not all) of the texts mentioned in this essay can be found on my blog for cross reference if you desire, although the article already contains many quotes.

Okay I think that’s all I got. I’ve given you a ton to think about and read. Ultimately I don’t think there’s a clean cut answer for this. Nuance, you know? Having hired an editor and many sensitivity readers myself, it really is just a professional a vibe check sometimes. You write what you want to the best of your ability, then other people weigh in, and you keep tweaking it until it’s as good as you can possibly make it. During development, and even in its final form, there will be people who don’t enjoy your story and that’s fine. It isn’t for everyone, it’s for you and your audience. No single experience in this life is the same so each fictional depiction emulating life will also be unique, there’s no “right” answer on how to write this or anything else, only the way you want to.

Hopefully now you have some tools to help you learn how best to express your vision. I know they gave me a lot of insight and ideas I lacked before when writing trans characters in my books. Thank you for trusting me with this question and good luck with your project! Take care! :^)

[elegantgardenrunaway]

If it's with you

Curly (mouthwashing) x reader

A/N: AAAAAAH FINALLY I FINISHED IT. Sorry for the delay, to be honest it was quite challenging for me to write this one. I hope I did Curly good enough for you.

This is the second (and last) part of this. But if you want to keep with the fluff then I would recommend skipping this.

Warnings: Jimmy (ofc), violence, mild gore(?), death, no happy ending (sorry guys not really), very hinted about what happened with Anya, but not explicit.

And bad grammar, probably. Sorry, English is not my first language.

He wishes he had kept his mouth shut.

Just for a day or two more, so at least the decorations wouldn't have been put to waste.

Such a birthday celebration. They must have put a lot of effort into it and he had to go and ruin everything.

Their reactions are still burning in his mind, like burning coal scorching his brain; Anya's worried voice, Swansea sarcastic remarks, Daisuke’s silence, Jimmy's accusations, your blank expression looking at the plate while you gripped the fork with white knuckles. No matter what, they are always there.

He sighs heavily, he needs to get to work soon.

He doesn't know how he will face the others now.

Yet he doesn't move, doesn't even hear that someone has entered the lounge. He later hears the shuffle of the couch as someone sits besides. He doesn't bother to look up nor start a conversation, too drained to give an explanation or even a half joke to break the ice.

They stand up again. He thinks they are going to leave him alone.

Then he hears the radio being turned on, followed by the sound of music, banishing the silence in the air.

He turns up, surprised and confused, finding you walking back to him with a nervous smile on your face.

For some reason, he's relieved that you are not Jimmy.

I mean, he definitely wouldn't do something like this.

You took his hands, lightly pulling him up. His hands had brushed against yours more than one time, on accident that is, due to your jobs or as a playful row during game nights. Now he realizes how warm and comforting your hands are to the point he hardly notices that he went up on his own, following you.

“Do you like to dance, Captain?” Your voice takes him out of his trance.

He blinks “... What?”

“... Um… Do you… do you like to dance? We can dance if you want. It's still your birthday party and it shouldn't end like this. Please, at least one dance”

He looked at them, dance… Dance? In a moment like this?

“We still have work to do,” he said, trying to give an excuse to get out of this.

“To hell with work,” you responded as you guided him “Forget the work, the company, everything. Tomorrow we'll drown. Today? Today we dance”

… That doesn't sound so bad.

He looks at your eyes. They hold such determination even if you look nervous. Your hands, your hands were holding him, he felt grounded. He repeated your words in his mind:

Today we dance. Ha, he isn't very good at it. He doesn't dance a lot, never had the time in a work like this.

He didn't refuse your proposal, didn't have the heart to tell you no, but he warned you about his lack of skill on the dance floor.

You laughed, he didn't know whether to feel embarrassed or offended or both, but your later reassurance lifted a weight from his shoulders. Soon he's holding you in his arms, bodies close, his head resting on you as you sway with the melody. His body is relaxed and the worries about the future are temporarily forgotten from his mind.

You don't judge him nor think less of him. Instead, you go at his pace and encourage him to try something different, something new, even if he's not really good at it, he can still learn.

Especially if it's with you.

Time seemed to disappear for both of you. A song became two, became three, became four until you had to let each other go, you had to go back to work.

But he didn’t want to do that. He wished he could stay with you, just a little bit longer.

But when you accepted that the time was up, you agreed to meet again for your next class the following day in the morning before work.

He was the first one to arrive. Entering the lounge way before your agreement. The holographic screen still shows the night sky. He didn't sleep, he couldn't. His friend has been giving him the cold shoulder and the rest of his crew is still shaken up from the news. Even though you tried to hide it, he still noticed.

And then, there is him. With a good reference secured. Which is good, but then again he still needs to figure out what he wants to do once he steps down for good.

What was life before the Tulpar? Who was Curly before the captain?

“Good morning” you yawned, trying to fix your appearance and open your eyes a little bit more “I see you're early, how long have you been here?”

“Uh?” He quickly turned upon hearing you, looking at you for a few seconds with a mixture of guilt and gratitude, he knew you were giving up some of the few hours of sleep you had in favor of this and he appreciates that. If the coffee machine wasn't empty, he would've made some for you.

“Oh, no… I just arrived, you have nothing to worry about” he lied and walked to your side “Thank you for doing this”

“Uh, don't mention it” you mumbled, yawning once more.

“Can I offer you something? Well, anything that is not coffee that is…”

“Heh, I'm alright, don't worry about it. Shall we start?”

How fast can someone get interested in another person?

Not to say he didn't pay attention to you before. It's just that now he does it in a different way, another eyes, another heart.

Suddenly he sees your expression when you smile, the wrinkles on your face when you laugh at Daisuke's bad jokes or the sudden energy boost you get with him and Anya, ; the way you listen to Swansea's rants or roll your eyes at Jimmy. Which he doesn't really like.

For six days you had taught Curly the basics of dance.

For six mornings Curly had felt excitement of waiting for a new day. He wanted to learn about dancing, learn about you.

And then …

System Failure

System Failure

System Failure

"…"

He wished he wasn't so stupid. That he was a better man and stopped Jimmy, gave him a better punishment for his actions. But then again, his options weren't very promising, especially if it involved everyone's last pay.

But maybe he's just making excuses.

He wants to scream, to apologize, to Anya, to Swansea, Daisuke and you.

Maybe he wasn't the one who set up the ship towards the asteroid, but practically served the option for Jimmy in a silver plate. So it was the same, at least in his mind, as if he was the one in the seat.

It kills him, it kills him to be a prisoner in his own, decaying body that refused to die or at least that the other refused to let die. He now has to depend on Anya —as if things weren't nightmarish enough — to even breathe properly.

You started to help Anya a little bit after he got stabilized. Seeing how she was struggling with him, you wanted to relieve some of the burden from her shoulders. The first thing you did was try to give him his pills. He will never forget the look on your eyes, the shine of betrayal and uncertainty, you seemed to be observing a bizarre creature, a monster.

That made him feel he was burning all over again.

And despite that, you did it again. You continued to give him his pills and learn from Anya how to take care of him the best you could with the little equipment you had, the fearful and horrified expression you desperately tried to conceal for his sake turned to a resigned, yet kind one. You get used to the bandages, the smell of burned fresh he still emits and soon replace Anya on the duty of giving him his pills, giving the woman a little peace of mind.

You talk to him, more often than not, you tell him about your day, the plans to have to ensure your survival, what would you do once you get back to earth, the ideas you have to get another job and one of two comments about redoing the dance lessons once he recovers from his injuries, though clarifying that it was only if he was interested. As if you would survive this.

For him, that was what was keeping him alive. He could only dream of that future you were telling him, the things you were telling yourself to give both of you hope, to desperately keep the shine in your eyes to keep shining.

Though that could only work for so long. Especially after you and the rest of the remaining crew discovered the contents of the cargo.

Mouthwash.

So that's what he was dedicating his own life for, the reason he was climbing ladders for…

He couldn't help but let out a pained chuckle, surprising you, making you look as if he just performed a miracle.

Well, he supposes that if is his suffering all it takes to impress you, then he'll gladly give it to you. Anything that could give you some hope.

Things started spiraling, you had told him and sometimes he could even hear it from his spot in the infirmary. How Swansea broke his sobriety after all these years, how Daisuke started to drink too, how Anya and you tried to keep the situation at float, but what he was most scared of was how Jimmy seemed to start to act more… aggressive. If that was even possible. He was more demanding, more prone to outburst and you and him had had rows more often.

He would be lying if he was afraid that he would do something to you. You, who still tries to hold some hope and share it with him. You are a balm that manages to soothe at least some of the despair that crushes his chest and the electric torture his own muscles give him.

He promises himself, that if you two get out of here alive and manages to at least become a somewhat functional living being, even if it meant having some kind of shitty prosthetics, even if he had to learn to walk again, he would take you to a nice place, get you some nice clothes and dance with you all night.

Yes, yes he would. And for that, he needs to keep himself alive. To take responsibility for what happened, to have a life with you.

Then suddenly, one day you came, with a look of shock. You didn't say too much that day, only a few words.

“I know... I-I know what he did”

And you didn't need to say anything else.

And you stopped talking to him for what felt like an eternity. It was a week and a half, but with the silence of the room and Anya and Jimmy being the only ones coming here, it was torture for him.

He never thought he would feel more relieved when you started talking to him again. He cried, it hurted, it hurted like hell. You shushed him gently.

But you never talked about the future again. Sometimes you still didn't talk at all, the shine in your eyes replaced by a resignation that gave him chills.

And then, everything fell apart the moment Anya locked herself in the nursery, asking if you could look after Daisuke to make sure he was doing okay, she could give him his medicines, assuring you that she was capable and that you didn't need to worry about it.

She didn't give him his medicines.

Instead, he was forced to witness how she twitched and withered on the floor until her body no longer moved.

He heard Daisuke's screams before he appeared from that vent. The young boy saw Anya, eyes glossy and horrified and tried to beg for her to talk, hoping that she was still somewhat alive, to tell him everything would be okay. And between guilty sobs, he mentioned Jimmy's name and that you were gravely injured too.

His heart stopped at that moment.

What happened to you? What did he do? Are you okay? Will you make it? Or is it too late for you too?

It couldn't be, it couldn't.

Then everything seemed to happen in a blur, he barely remembers what came next. Jimmy and Swansea were in the infirmary, the latter betaring the first one for his foolishness, for what he did to you and Daisuke. When they inevitably found nothing that would help them, they left. An hour or so later, Daisuke's screams echoed through the hall. The door was upon, but the position they were on didn't allow him to see much. But he did see how Swansea held the ax above Daisuke. Then, Daisuke's breathing stopped echoing in the halls, then Jimmy came and grabbed the gun….

The fucking gun that was under him all along.

The gun Anya hid because she was afraid of him. And he couldn't understand why at that time.

And now that he does, he can't help but laugh, as strong as his body allows him. He can't do anything anymore, he's fucking useless, he can't do a damn thing. He can't be a good captain, a good friend.

A fucking decent human being in general.

Then there came the struggling, the echo of the gunshots.

He knew he was next.

He thought he was next.

He wished he was next.

How? How could he not see the type of creature that it was Jimmy?

His crew, what once was his crew, their bodies, crudely slumped against the chairs around the table. A party, for the death and the damned, a judgment for the two sinners left in this godforsaken coffin.

Your body was on the left, next to Anya's corpse. The way blood seeped from your face told a horrifying story of your last moments on this world, at the mercy of the monster that now held him. How he wished he could have been there, to protect you, to protect all of them.

How he wished this was nothing but a nightmare, that he could wake up at any moment, go to the lounge and wait for you to appear in your groggy state, still having droll on your cheek and your uniform all messy. He would give you something to drink, maybe not coffee. The machine would always be empty.

But once again, his illusions were shattered with the piercing pain of the knife sawing his flesh.

He screamed, from the pain of his flesh being slayed and his bone being broken, from the sight of his crew rotting around a table, reduce as nothing put twisted puppets for Jimmy's entertainment, for the person he cherished and gave him a reason to keep going, the one who gave him a future, gave him bliss even if they were on the bottom of the deeps of hell and made him feel that his dreams were true, motionless in front of him, and he wasn't able to even say goodbye.

He wasn't even granted the mercy of death. The demon didn't allow it. His twisted conscience believed he could somehow redeem himself if he managed to keep him alive.

Even if it means feeding him his own leg.

Even if it means putting him in the last cryopod while the coward escaped by the least painful way.

He didn't even have the strength to curse him one last time.

As the cold ice burned his exposed flesh, he couldn't help but wonder if things could have been different somehow. If he had the strength to oppose Jimmy, to at the very least stop him from crashing the ship. Would it be different?

It probably doesn't matter anymore. Not when he is going to spend the next twenty years or so frozen in time. He doesn't want anyone to come, a captain must go down with the ship after all.

Death sounds better if you are waiting for him on the other side.

[ppupkit]

Could you possibly do some Cait/Vi taking care of Maddie hcs? (I LOVE YOUR BLOG SM!!! YOUR HCS ARE AMAZING) -Mutt ⚜️

why hallo there mutt OF COURSE I CAN !!!! i am number one maddiecaitvi er trust me. ( i jumped around in excitement and stimmed like crazy seeing this ermm tehe (′ꈍωꈍ‵) ). also ohmigosh one of my names is mutt too how silly !! i apologize for the late response but here are the long awaited headcanons !!! also i appreciate your kind words so much my tail wags. ૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა"ﾉ"

cw(?) : 100% sfw talk of padded agere / petre

okay for starters i'm big into t4t maddiecaitvi and have been a transmasc butch vi truther since the beginning so i refer to him mostly as he / him but also sprinkle in some she / her as well. tmasc nonbinary vi is really really important to me as a transgender butch so if you're going to be mean or say something unkind about me using other pronouns for vi please just don't interact with this : C. i headcanon both maddie and caitlyn as transfem , not sure if that's relevant for these headcanons but just wanted to get that outta the way : 3

maddie's not really a talker as i mentioned before , being largely nonverbal or mute while regressed. on the rare occasion she's on the older side however vi is mam or mama and caitlyn is mummy. caitlyn calls maddie my sweet , sweet thing , baby , or pup while vi calls her pup(py) , nugget , munchkin or mads.

maddie's full name is madelyn but they never pull out the full name unless she's in Big Trouble. vi never really uses it , being the more laid back of the two but if maddie's done something Really naughty caitlyn'll hit her with the "madelyn graham nolen... what have you done ?"

maddie being super clumsy leads to lots of spills. both spills of whatever's in her sippy cup and her falling over. oh my gosh it's gotten to a point where she's only allowed to be fed bottles no matter how small she is because otherwise she'll manage to get her juice , or milk ALL over da place. (－‸ლ) sometimes maddie will fuss or plead to be able to have a sippy cause she's a "big girl !". her puppy eyes work on vi but caitlyn gets a little frustrated dealing with the inevitable mess later if maddie gets her way. caitlyn giving both maddie and vi a stern talking to , wagging her finger at them. vi gives her a sheepish smile while rubbing the back of her neck a bit embarrassed. maddie struggles to speak but gives caitlyn her best sorry puppy eyes.

maddie is a bit hard on herself. if she knows she's done something bad she'll go straight to one of her mamas in tears , offering up her stuffie or a favorite toy for them to take away as punishment. caitlyn and vi are very very gentle with her , careful to speak with her about her mistakes , having many conversations while she's not regressed about punishments. they're very adamant about never depriving her of her comforts no matter what she thinks she deserves , taking care to make sure she understands when she's genuinely done something versus when her brain is being mean to her. "it was just an accident , sweet thing. mummy's not angry with you , you're a good girl for letting me know."

maddie lying at vi's feet whenever possible because he always gives her the best head scratches. she'll bark and whine if he stops , nuzzling at his hand if he's fallen asleep and she wants more scratches or pets.

maddie's a very silly girl , always barking and babbling nonsense. both caitlyn and vi listen very attentively , nodding along to her nonsensical barks. vi letting out the occasional gasp : "is that right , nugget?" caitlyn can't help but smile when vi's little encouragements cause maddie to wag her tail , getting her all excited. caitlyn will keep her hand on maddie's back , giving her little pets and pats to keep her calm and her body safe. maddie is a big stimmer being autistic and sometimes if she gets overexcited she can hurt herself or someone else.

maddie is super fussy about being padded , she's really shy about it , getting really ashamed whenever she uses her diaps. she can get super bitey when it comes to diaper checks if she's trying to hide an accident or she'll hide away from caitlyn and vi. caitlyn is the only person she'll allow to change her and even that takes some convincing. she'll get weepy in the middle of it , she just feels so stupid and silly. caitlyn is so sweet and gentle with her though , giving her all the reassurance in the world and so many kisses. giving her a little pat on the bum when she's done , ruffling her hair. "that's better , isn't it silly girl?" maddie will growl in response but yes it is and she's very thankful for her mummy.

whenever maddie wants something she'll go to vi. her puppy eyes are lethal , vi can never say no she's just too cute !! caitlyn has more practice with them so she's a bit more immune but even she has to give in sometimes.

vi loves playing with maddie , she's always down to play fetch with her or let maddie indulge in a little tug of war with a toy. vi's never actually trying to keep something away from her it's all just for play but maddie's too little to know that. if vi's feeling extra silly he'll bark back at maddie. caitlyn rolls her eyes every time but fails to hide her grin and gives both her puppies head scratches.

maddie has her own bed but she never sleeps in it while regressed. she sleeps at her mamas' feet on their bed. they welcome her to come snuggle but usually she likes to sleep at their feet because it makes her feel even more like a puppy !! maddie's a little guard dog for her mamas ! if she's feeling suuper super baby though she'll nestle in between vi and caitlyn , curling up in a little ball with her back against vi's chest and head buried in caitlyn's. she's gotta be touching both mamas or else she'll get fussy , she's just a baby after all she's still working on the whole object permanence thing x p .

oh my gosh this really got me to yapping.... and i've so much more to say however it is now 3:17 in da morning and this has gotten quite long so i suppose this is long enough for one part. hjfksjjnsmk who let mrs. autism out of her cage... i hope these are coherent i've not proofread ε-(´・｀)

[ghouljams]

how does one become free of insecurity? i’m already doing therapy but i feel i’ve only moved away from hating myself so much i want to d*e into just thinking everyone’s better than me

It's a long journey, but well worth it.

I don't think anyone is ever truly free of insecurity, but I think there's also a lot that is unpacked simply through the language we use to describe ourselves and the jokes we allow other people to make at our expense.

Therapy is great at helping you deal with the big feelings, but sometimes little things get caught in your head and it's hard to shake them. Here are some things that I do to keep myself feeling good, and also some things that I'm working on:

No suicide jokes. I make it a point never to joke about "oh I'll just kill myself" or anything like that because ultimately it just makes me feel worse and nobody finds it funny. It's also a good way to change your thinking and direct your solution brain away from "I'll just end things when shit gets hard." This one is a constant battle.

I compliment myself whenever I have the chance. I take every compliment someone gives me. I pretend to be vapid and self-absorbed. I make kissy faces at myself in the mirror. I tell other people how pretty I am, and I don't fucking care if they think I'm a stupid bimbo because I'm trying to love myself and that's more important.

Being kinder to my younger self. This one feels weird but I found myself being mean to little Ghoul when I was really sad. It feels easy to take out your anger on a kid that didn't know any better, and it doesn't guilt you because that's you that you're hating. But look. You were just a kid. You weren't stupid or ugly or unlovable or evil, you were a kid. I just caught myself calling my teenage self ugly the other day on my way to visit my mom and I had to stop and go "why am I saying this? I was just a kid." And it made me cry a li'l bit ngl, but if felt... idk it felt good in a way.

Don't let fucking anyone tell you, you're not worth it. Does your friend make jokes about how dumb you are? Or how you're so cringey? Or so embarrassing or bad at something or forgetful or WHATEVER? Yeah, fuck that noise. Tell them to stop doing that. Tell them it hurts your feelings and if they still don't stop they aren't your friend, they're your bully. I fucking hate bullies. Don't let anyone talk down to you, I don't care if it was a joke at first, it's not funny anymore. Fuck them.

This is something I'm working on, but when you start fixing one insecurity another will probably pop up. I've been working for a long time on liking how I look, and it's gone really well. But now I'm insecure about my intelligence. So I have to stop myself from calling myself stupid or not answering questions. I just fucking rocked my work trivia party, and Mr. Ghoul thinks I'm smart, so I just gotta keep track of my wins. Sometimes you realize that making yourself secure in one thing makes you insecure about another, but that's ok! There's a learning curve to all of this.

Everyone thinks everyone else is better than them. You don't have to be the best at everything, you don't even have to be the best at one thing! What's important is that you're doing your best. People notice when you're working hard, even if you're not churning out the best product because it means you care about it. Which brings me to

Done is better than perfect. Sure it would be great if you were God's most specialist soldier, but think about how much work that would be! Ok so you're not the world's best knitter, but the scarf you made your friend is their favorite scarf anyway because you made it. So you're not a world class writer, but you had a story in your head and you wrote it down. That's better than it never being written at all. Also just because you think it's bad doesn't mean other people won't think it's a masterpiece. Hell, half of the fics I wrote when I first started this blog I could write better now but that doesn't make them bad, it just means I've gotten better.

We as humans are constantly improving and evolving. Don't let who you are no stop you from striving towards who you'll be in the future. Taking one step down the path towards loving yourself is better than giving up and hating yourself forever. It's slow going, but man I've been doing this shit for a decade and I'm so much happier than I was at 18.

You might think that the more you improve the harder and faller you'll fall back to the bottom, but the lows don't get that low again. You're doing great. I'm proud of you.

[reallife6anoufriev6boy6]

is cal jealous of milena? if so, i need hcs on andre reassuring cal that he loves cal more than his gun.

cal hating milena headcanons (but andre reassures him he loves him more)

yes, i meant her. my sick brain was getting to me yesterday so i couldnt think of how to spell her name LOL also these suck a little bit cuz im tired but i tried my best

andre will whip milena out every time he gets the chance. it doesnt matter what its for - he just really loves that fucking gun.

cal on the other hand absolutely hates it. andre gives her a LOT of attention when in comparison to him - it makes him very jealous.

in reference to the post we are talking about, andre will pull her out during sex and will be stroking the barrel and running his finger over the trigger while cal watches in extreme distaste.

i feel like andre will also make cal suck on the end of it which he heavily protests against, but will end up doing it anyway, only for it not to be enjoyable.

andre will be REALLY enjoying it though and he wont even realize that cals not into it at least until hes looking anywhere but at andre and the gun and barely even trying to suck on it anymore.

at that point andre will ask whats wrong and calvin will tell him - letting him know exactly how he feels about his gunwife and how he hates that he brings her into everything.

it makes andre feel bad so he sort of sets milena off to the side somewhere else and will do his best to reassure him that he does love him more then his gun.

andre will tell cal that the gun is just a gun and that cal will always mean more to him and he could never love anything or anyone more then him because of how special he is to him and just some really sweet stuff like that, ya know?

cal would probably feel a lot better afterwards and i think andre would then go out of his way to give him a lot of attention and care - i just need to see him give him a lot of kisses and affection even though he isnt really that type of guy.

even afterwards he would refrain himself from bringing milena up too much and would only talk about her when necessary - he would also hold himself back from rambling about all her details and how pretty he thinks she is and would instead correct himself and say how pretty he thinks cal is.

[merakiui]

MERA... MERA.. I JUST read the "can't leave until you have sex" Halloween trio thoughts.... and... oh wow. oh Fellow

"lie back and let his flattery work wonders on you / please don’t be difficult and please be impressed and please genuinely cum and please tell him it felt good / don’t ask to kiss / don’t say a word when he’s sloppy and salivating all over you" OUGHHHH I'M ON MY KNEES MERA THIS IS SO... OUGH....

He's so pathetic mister Honest I need you carnally right now. Badly. He's so frustratingly pathetically sexy.... I'm shaking I keep rereading that paragraph because he's so !!!

(the way you portray him Mera you big brained amazing spectacular writer. Thank you. I hope we get more of your thoughts about him...!)

>:) hehehe thank you for enjoying my portrayal in that post!!! I love Fellow a lot, so there will definitely be plenty more thoughts about him in the future. He plays a significant role as supporting cast in Halloweenie and it's my shameless excuse to practice writing him, so there is lots of Fellow to be had in that story. He's the perfect amount of smarmy wet cat that you can love and want to shake in equal measure. <3 100% "frustratingly pathetically sexy" as you wrote!

When his special move is quite literally running away when he can no longer tolerate or go against the trouble, it sealed my affections for him. He's so loserboy.... all of the Halloween trio are in their own silly ways. orz he's so shameless when he's pushing praise after praise,,, it's a little funny that he and Rollo are so outwardly fake like that. Fellow "platitudes make me wanna puke" Honest and Rollo "he treats me in such a friendly way with nary an inkling to the thoughts in my mind" Flamme,,, versus Skully who means every sweet thing he says LOL.

But in my mind he won't outright admit to his lack of experience. He'll just dress it up a bit,,, something something he learns as he goes, he's a natural, you'll see! But then he fucks like a guy who's just bought his first onahole and can't wait to use it. >_< there's a certain charm in Fellow who is more worked up than you are, who is panting like he's in heat, and pathetically rutting into you with a half-hard dick after he's cum too many times for him to seem like the sex god he hoped to show you. T_T still fucking you even though he can't cum anymore and maybe you haven't even cum yet....... the most pathetic, but he'll make an effort for you. I like to think he tries his very best to impress you with these things,,,, trying to make up for his inexperience with his silver tongue, but also he's really bad at using that tongue if it isn't to compliment you or dirty talk you. ;;;;

I have way too many thoughts about him... someone sedate me....... orz

[camping-with-monsters]

Had both the DUMBEST yet SMARTEST combination of tales to mix for a character (set of characters but there’s only one of importance) for Tags of Whistlegrimm y’all will not believe me. I’m so serious with this inclusion. This is a legitimate character.

Have y’all ever heard of “The Deer of Nine Colors/The Nine Colored Deer” story? In simple terms, the deer saves a man and brings it to a secret land he should not speak of, but he reveals the existences of it out of greed. So like, with that being said, what other stories feature a deer of interest? Do you recall any? Do you recall… the most famous reindeer of all…

YEAH. RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER.

Both are deers named with the mention of color, both just ARE DEER, both from presumably mystical lands (we can assume the North Pole would be magical in some sense if Santa was there). And like. If you think about it… Santa has nine deer. Nine colored deer. Nine individually colored deer? Red is typically the lead of the rainbow and Rudolph is the one that leads the sleigh.

Anyways here’s my concept for Rudolph himself. The colored pattern the Nine Colored Deer typically has is depicted as a “rein” type formation over him. There’s some implied albinism type thing going on with the color palette which would typically give deer a pink nose anyway, plus it calls back to the nine colored deer’s main body color typically being white. I haven’t felt this smart in a while this is SO funny. I love him. He’s perfect.

Right now he’s planned for Blind Man’s Bluff’s cast ;)

[tapakah0]

[tagarilaghost]

I SWEAR CELEBI'S THINGY IS COMING SOON BUT I REALLY WANTED TO POST THIS ALRIGHT

yeaah... future trio got me too...

and Darkrai is there too, because of course he is.

hey look i drew a cute Drifloon :D

...ignore the rest

whatever started at Darkrai doodles ended in brainrot of future trio + darkrai and I'm blaming @scribz-ag24 for this

[buttercup-art]

hey

[found--family]

am i the only one who sensed some jilted lover vibes from jensen? 

[the-gene-mile]

rewatched the premier definitely super legally and just look at them

[keeps-ache]

i'm on some sort of kick lol

[thats-my-passion-right-there]

I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god